Reader challenge: Rewrite this sentence to improve it
This sentence cries out for improvement. I’d like to know how YOU would fix it.
If you think this sentence is fine as is, you’re also welcome to comment.
We thought Best Buy was expensive; however, investors viewed online competitors as presenting a structural issue and Best Buy’s valuation declined dramatically during the year.
This sentence was copied from a mutual fund’s annual report.
Last year, Best Buy declined dramatically as threats from online competition weighed heavy on investors minds.
Great improvement!
The stock price of Best Buy declined dramatically during the year because investors thought the company was not ready to compete with online retailers.
Very nice, Usman!
I know I’m way late to this party, but I think the best response is “Gotta talk to the author.”
Editors could only guess about what the author meant by “presenting a structural issue.” Hard to justify a guess, perhaps missing the author’s key point, just because it was awkwardly worded.
But on deadline, with author unavailable? Both edits are far better than the original, better still with “heavily” and “investors'” in the first one.
Thank you for weighing in,Phil! I agree that it is not easy to guess what is in the author’s mind.Ideally there will be an author review.