Reader challenge: Improve this white paper introduction

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When your investment white papers’ readers snooze, your company will lose.

Photo by normalityrelief

Here’s the first paragraph of a white paper that would benefit from a makeover.

WHAT IS ACTIVE SHARE?

Active share is a new measure of active portfolio management. This idea was first introduced by Martijn Cremers and Anti Petajusto, two Yale School of Management Finance professors, in a 2006 academic study titled “how Active is Your Fund Manager? A New Measure That Predicts Performance.” In this analysis, active share is defined as the percentage of the portfolio that differs from its established passive benchmark.

What’s missing from this introduction? What changes do you suggest?I realize you’re operating at a handicap because you can’t see the rest of the piece. Please do your best.

I’ll hold my comments so I don’t squash the conversation. Go to it!

White paper questions and resources

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Thinking of commissioning a white paper?

To ensure an effective white paper, make sure you answer the following questions:

  1. Who is my audience?
  2. What do I want them to do after they read my white paper?
  3. What problem can I solve for them?
  4. Why will my readers care about this problem?
  5. What are the three main points I want to make?

Here are some resources that can help you learn more about white papers.

Online resources

Books

Looking for a seasoned white paper writer?

If you’re seeking a white paper writer who has written for leading investment and wealth management firms, I can help. You can learn more in “My process for writing your white paper.”

This post was updated on September 27, 2011, and May 18, 2015, to remove outdated links.

“Atrocious apostrophe’s”

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Writers abuse apostrophes. If you find this amusing, you can see many examples in the Atrocious Apostrophe’s Flickr stream.

Do you understand what’s wrong in the photo to the right? I’ve explained it in “Bloggers’ top two punctuation mistakes.”

If you have questions about apostrophes, please post them as comments on this blog post.

JUNE 6 UPDATE: I apologize if you clicked on the broken link to “Atrocious Apostrophe’s.” I’ve corrected it to http://www.flickr.com/groups/apostrophes/

Reader challenge: New, non-liquid metaphors for money?

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Liquid metaphors dominate our discussion of money, said New York Times op-ed columnist David Brooks in “Poetry for Everyday Life,” his April 12 column.

For example, said Brooks, “We dip into savings, sponge off friends or skim funds off the top. Even the job title stockbroker derives from the French word brocheur, the tavern worker who tapped the kegs of beer to get the liquidity flowing.”

Your challenge is to suggest fresh metaphors for money. You can tackle one of the phrases in Brooks’ sentence or something of your own choice.

Please post your suggestion as a comment on this blog post.

Reader challenge: Shorten this phrase

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“Prosecutors Hope Verdict Will Be a Deterrent to Others,” says the headline about Raj Rajaratnam’s conviction in this morning’s print edition of The New York Times.

What grabbed me about the headline is how easily I could shorten it.

I know what I’d do, but what about you? Please post your answer below.

Let’s get possessive: A financial writing tip

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Sometimes it pays for financial writers to get possessive.

No, I’m not suggesting that you jealously hoard your office supplies or isolate your clients from other professionals. This is a writing tip.

Instead, I’m suggesting that you use the possessive case to shorten phrases.

For example, turn “The tone of the market improved by Friday” into “The market’s tone improved by Friday.”

The next time you find a sentence including “the X of Y,” see if it sounds better rephrased as “Y’s X.”

Plain English means writing sentences that flow better. It’s not only about choosing more basic words.

Pictures can supercharge your message: A grasshopper story

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People absorb messages better when words are complemented by an image. This is a rule that any writer can exploit.

Take my dinner at Casa Oaxaca on a Mexican vacation. It was a multi-course tasting menu, so I could gloss over the chapulines in the taquitos de jicama con  chapulines, quesillo y cuitlacoche. But then the dish captured in the photo to your right arrived.

Do you see the little antennae and the translucent wings?

I could no longer ignore the inclusion of toasted grasshoppers (chapulines) in my food. Good thing they were tasty!

Properly used, photos and other images add oomph to your written communications.

Tips for finding images

1. Look for the noun.

Finding an image is easy when you write about a concrete topic like grasshoppers. Simply search your favorite photo bank for your thing–the noun you’re writing about. Check my earlier blog post for free or low-cost photo sources.

2. Illustrate the adjective, verb or emotion.

What can you do when your subject is more abstract than grasshoppers?

I follow the advice of writer Erik Sherman:

Remember that none of your stories are about abstract topics. They are always tangible to someone. It might help to stop thinking about the topic – the noun – and focus on what people are doing – the verb – or what they’re feeling – the adjective. In a given investment story, someone is either making or losing money. It often happens in some industry, like real estate, high tech, or commodities. There may be regulatory aspects, in which case think about images that could represent regulation, like police holding a hand up to tell traffic to stop, a judge, Congress. The more tangible and simple you get about the topic, the easier it will be to think of a fitting image.

Financial blogger Chuck Rylant cracked this problem in his “Controversy Over Disappearing CalPERS Police Officer Retirement Benefits” blog post, which is no longer live. He illustrated the adjective “disappearing” instead of the difficult-to-depict noun, “retirement benefits.” Plus, the sinking ship in his illustration reinforced the message that the benefits are disappearing.

Can you add any tips for illustrating blog posts and other written communications?

Nov. 20, 2013 UPDATE: If you prefer original photos, read about the strategy used by advisor Sheri Iannetta Cupo. Aug. 15, 2016: I deleted some broken links.

WSJ video highlights plain English for financial advisors

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The Wall Street Journal continues to highlight the case for plain English. An article, “A Tip for Financial Advisers: When Possible, Use English,” expands on the ideas introduced in the video.

If you like this article-video combo, you may also enjoy former SEC Chairman Arthur Levitt’s opinion essay, which I discussed in “The Levitt test for financial risk disclosures.”

Projected: A word geek’s nitpick

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Sloppy or mistaken word usage pops out at me. For example, “A projected 5,000 people hold shares in this mutual fund.”

The sentence misuses “projected.” Projected refers to an estimate for the future.

Here’s a correct use of the word. “A projected 5,000 people will hold shares in this mutual fund one year from now.”

To speak about current shareholders, you could say, “An estimated 5,000 people hold shares in this mutual fund.”

Are you using “projected” and “estimated” correctly?

Reader challenge: Fix the metaphor overload

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Metaphors are “Poetry for Everyday Life,” as New York Times op-ed columnist David Brooks said in his April 12 column. However, it’s best to stick to one metaphor per sentence.

Brooks highlighted the following sentence as “clunky” because it uses four metaphors.

Britain’s recovery from the worst recession in decades is gaining traction, but confused economic data and the high risk of hung Parliament could yet snuff out its momentum.

How would YOU fix the metaphor overload and make this sentence more powerful?

Please post your reply as a comment on this blog post.